Day 3...

...and you might notice that day 3 is not a consecutive day. :) It took me a while to get back on track-but here I am!! A month has passed, give or take, and a lot has happened. More than I am willing to write here. Needless to say, on the day that I wrote the last blog I took a minor (I laugh as I write that because minor was probably the wrong word where my heart is concerned, but I digress) detour from the path that I was on. I won't say that I am firmly back on the path that I was but I am headed there and headed in the right direction. I think... I have been trying to think clearly about the last month. A lot of changes are occurring in my life-changes that I will not write here to preserve the anonymity of all parties concerned. (I know, vague and annoying, right??) When one goes through a series of changes, I think you cannot help but be changed by them. It's been difficult to understand exactly what the purpose has been of all that I have seen and gone through. Difficult as in I have kinda been a wee bit emotional this week as I have been barraged with so many feelings this past week. Feelings I thought were dead or buried or just not possible for me to have. I have always tried to confront what I am feeling head on, but I must admit that it will take some time for the dust to settle... It seems like the story of Esther is being brought to my mind. Yesterday, as Nicole and I were reading "Knight", the story of Esther came up. I have always been a little intrigued and a lot amazed by Esther. Her bravery, her courage, her ability to stand up for what is right has always been a daunting example. I do not know if I could have done what she did. I put it aside after I got home, but it popped up again as I was flipping through the book "Daughters in My Kingdom." It mentions that her uncle counsels her that she was born for such a time as this. I do not believe in accidents or coincidences (unbelievable or not!! <-----inside joke!). I believe that there is a plan for each and every one of us. I have always thought that it was like a giant choose your own adventure. You choose (agency) one path and this is where it leads...had you chosen another, you would have had a different outcome. I have also always tried to live my life with no regrets. We are human and flawed. We make mistakes. In my case, I feel too much. Emotions are to me as bread and water are to others. In my fanciful moments, I attribute this to my Romanian Gypsy blood...and the red hair, of course!! :) I think anyone who dwells on the past is unable to see what positive outcomes have occurred BECAUSE of that past. I have learned so much from what I have gone through, painful as it has been. WAIT! There is a point buried in here! If there are no accidents and we choose our own paths and I was born for a time such as this, then I have a duty to understand what my purpose is. #1- my children. They are one of the reasons why I am here. I thank God every day for the children he has blessed me with. And I know it is a huge responsibility that I will never feel adequately prepared for. Hopefully, I can be instrumental in their greatness- for I know they are meant for great things. But I must admit beyond that...well, I am not sure what else my purpose is. I love being an educator and feel that I am a good one. I have friends and family and a full social life. But it seems like I have just been eating the frosting and have no clue what the cake is like. I take small comfort in the idea that Esther didn't know either. For a long time, she was unaware that she would be crucial in saving the lives of her people and I know she would never have dreamed that her story would be written and read by women looking for answers thousands of years later. I guess, then, what I am trying to say is that I am going to try to become like Esther. Try and use her example and my faith in God to understand what MY purpose is and to be ready for a time such as this...