Day 13...

...and I have allowed myself to mourn what could have been and what I foolishly allowed myself to believe might have been. I need to focus on the now and figuring out how to put the pieces of my heart back together...

the cracks of my soul
shall be filled
with cement
of hope
of determination
of longing
always longing
for my soul to be whole
again

Day 12...

...And my mind was racing all night. That and getting up at an unusually early hour (to me, sleeping in is noon!). Some of this came to me at one in the morning-the clarity of the day has impacted its direction, I'm sure...

I touched my face
And felt you
My heart raced
And felt you
My eyes opened
And you weren't there-
The blood coursing through my veins
Screamed a denial

I slid into the day
And felt you
I walked silently on
And felt you
I heard a sound
And you weren't there-
My feet stopped moving,
Despair

Those quiet moments when all alone
Those moments where life and death kiss
That moment where I realize you're gone
I pick up the shattered pieces of life
And walk on

*dedicated to my mom*

Day 11...

...and working on my stick-to-it-iveness. Never been a quality I've had. One thought doesn't exist at a time and neither does one adventure. This poetry attempt is more light-hearted than the last...


A firefly sat on a cat's tail
It's wings fluttering in the warm sunlight
The air was crisp with sounds of spring
And the boy took out his kite.

He dragged the string to the proper length
Confident he would succeed
His goal to soar to the highest heights
And from this world break free.

The kite trembled on the cool air
Hesitant, unsure, and afraid...
Until it felt the rush of wind
And into the clouds it sailed.

In the boys mind, he was the kite
Gliding high above the world
Away from all the worldly cares
His hopes and dreams unfurled.

The kite fell gently to the ground
Another day was done
The little boy walked slowly home
His adventures just begun.

Day 10...

...and if anyone is reading this, you can tell that these are not consecutive days!! o.O But blog on I will! I am slowly realizing just how much I miss writing and that if I really want to be a writer, I need to write. It's scary since I haven't really written since I was 19. There are a few things here and there, but not the madness of having to get my thoughts and stories down on paper. I've been thinking lately of starting my own little poetry collection. While I love all writing, I have always felt strongly drawn to poetry. Emotion on paper...and since I seem to have an abundance of emotions swirling around inside me...well, we shall see where this takes me...

she felt the clock ticking
the time passing
not like an iceberg
slow
unmoving
solid
but quick-
the sands of the hourglass
trickling faster
unstoppable by human hands
she felt her heart swell
with the true blood of emotion
it raced inside her chest moving
faster than the time she couldn't stop-
her heart often lied;
whispered strange and exotic temptations convincing her
that to follow it was the only way yet
she knew that no matter what
follow it she would
for this time
this one time
her heart might be right

Day 9...

Been a while...yeah. Between health and wealth, there have been a few struggles. But overall my little Burton clan is doing well. Drew went to Hawaii in November, we had a great Christmas surrounded by family and friends, and now we are heading in to Spring cleaning and Ashley gets to go to Japan!!!!! Throw in Ashley is almost driving (like her mother, she's getting a bit of a late start!), and Drew will be, too, along with Sam starting school this coming year, we are very blessed!!! I love my children with everything I am and can only hope that they always remember that. Will write again soon...

Day 8...

...and I am without Ashley and April. They are off to girl's camp. So happy for them!!

It's just Drew, Sam, and I for most of the week.

There have been many times I have felt alone and unsure...when I was kicked out as a kid, when my parents died, now...

And there have been just as many times I have been blessed...at each of my children's births, through friends I have met, when I attended the temple, having the gospel in my life...

Which is why it is hard to give up hope and hard to have faith. It's a double-edged sword waiting to see God's plan for you. I feel like what I lack now is courage. Courage to wait and see what great things are in store instead of burying my head and hiding from the storm. I pray that I am as strong as some think I am. I pray that my faith will grow. I pray that this time will be but a moment and that soon the sun will shine again...

Day 7...

..."All He asks is that we do what we can, so He can do what we can't."

Feelings of helplessness are definitely on my mind. Struggling to do what is right for myself and my children. But again I am encouraged to rely on faith. Especially in a time when I don't even know what questions to ask all the time.

In other news, school starts in two weeks. Part of me is, of course, excited for the new school year. The other part is a little terrified about facing a new year and new faces. But we go on, pursuing new dreams and making new plans...